Father's Day - Joyful or Woeful?
Father's Day is a day of celebrating the very essence of what a Dad is, what they have done for you and your love of them. Its often a day for the family to come together to celebrate the importance of the father in the family, making more memories.
Father's day represents anyone who is seen as a father figure. But for some, its a painful day. For those whose father has died, however soon or long ago, it can stir alot of emotion and ultimately takes it toll on the surviving children, family and spouse. So this article is aimed at providing practical advice how to face Father's Day when your father is no longer with you.
Coping With Grief On Father's Day
Grief brings many different forms of emotion. There is no timeline with grief. For some it will come in waves. And sometimes particular days, can seem worse than others. Father's Day can be one of them, with celebrations happening around you of other families with their Dad's, and all the social media posts about Father's Day as well as stores and online advertising cards and gifts, all serve as reminders. It can leave you missing out, and bringing alot of grief emotion to the forefront again.
For some families who opted to have an unattended cremation, they often feel they are missing out - missing out on saying goodbye, missing out on honouring them in whatever way that would be during a service or gathering together.
So lets look at some coping strategies....
Remembering
Turn Father's Day into Remebrance Day. Just because their physical presence is no longer here, you can still celebrate the love they had for you, and your love of them. Consider doing:-
Talk about them. Remember funny stories, or thinking about the legacies they have passed onto you - do you now say things they used to say, or do the same things?
Tell them out loud "Happy Father's Day"
Write a card - in our funeral home, we have a dedicated letter box where families can post their cards and letters (by actually posting it, helps on your bereavement journey, not only by writing senitment down, but by letting it go
Visit their favourite places
Light a candle remembering them
Look at old photos, remembering those times, smile for all those special moments together, talk about them with others
Helping Children To Remember Their Dad On Father's Day
Children grieve differently to adults, and at different times. Often adults want to protect children from grief when someone dies in the family. However over protecting them can cause more issues for the child.
Of course you need to talk to them age appropriate but nevertheless children need to understand. Telling them their Dad has "gone to sleep" will cause that child to worry about going to sleep themselves, or wonder why Dad doesnt wake up.
Helping children to remember their Dad on Father's Day is hard for the family around them, yet it can be a joyful moment for all. Talking about them, asking them their memories, helping them put together their own memory box with special photos or items or encouraging them to paint a picture or write a letter to them is helpful. Tell the child if they look like their Dad (but only if they do!) helps with their connection. Children like to know about where they came from, traits that their Father had.
Of course dont make assumptions what a child wants. Ask them. Would you like to.....this gives control to the child and you are not pushing your own ideas of comfort onto them.
One thing children do worry about after someone close to them has died, is who will be next, so reassure them that its really sad that Dad has died and there are still family and friends around them who care about them (but do not promise them no-one else will die), this focus gives them tools to face bereavement as they get older.
There is no right or wrong day to celebrate Father's Day. For some, its just too unbearable. Remember you are not alone. Here at Amanda-Louise Funeral Home, we offer free bereavement groups first Wednesday of every month from 10am to 12noon (available to anyone regardless if you have used our funeral director services or not as we are committed to supporting all of our local community) - its a safe place to talk about feelings, how to deal with situations, we take a moment to focus on our own wellbeing, and what the future brings; whether that's a whole month, week, day or just an hour.
Grief | Anger
On the flip side to celebrating, Father's Day can bring emotions of anger. Not everyone has a positive upbringing. So for some children and adults who have experienced that, and that Father or Father figure has died, it can bring a whole mixture of frustration and anger, so on Father's Day it can feel like reliving the pain.
Its important to look after yourself. Recognise you are not the person they was. If you are struggling with hatred, write things down you didnt get to tell them, or how you are feeling, or why not keep a journal and record how you feel, looking back through your journal you may see a pattern on certain days or the feelings becoming less. Its always good to talk, whether that to be a family member or friend, attend a bereavement group or get more structured support from counselling.
And on today of Father's Day, there is no right or wrong way for you to feel. Focus on being kind to yourself.
And finally....
Grief And Gratitude
Yes it is possible to feel both. Celebrating them doesn't lessen the loss you feel, but it does recognise the love you have for them still. Acknowledging Father's Day, rather than avoiding it, as grief will surface anyway. Think about memories that bring you comfort, and think about how you want to face the next day of celebration in your own amazing journey called life; such as Christmas or their Birthday does help being prepared.
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